Cheering Yourself On

Maia, my niece, is 10.  She’s a tall, beautiful, smart girl sees herself as a Tween.  Recently she added to this self-image with a very grown-up accomplishment.  She earned her Jr. Lifeguard Certificate.  When I say “earned it”, I mean it.   She and her classmates had to run 4K every day, swim for hours, and practice their just-learned lifesaving maneuvers.  Did I mention she’s 10?

A few days ago, fresh on the heels of this accomplishment, Maia and her family came to visit.  In the interest of recognizing her and having a reason to eat cake, I bought a cake and had “Congratulations Maia” written on the top.  Without much fanfare the two families decimated the cake like termites on a rotten log.  Before Maia went outside to play with the other kids she asked why the cake had the inscription it did.  When I told her it was in honor her Jr. Lifeguard accomplishment, she rolled her eyes, did the “aw shucks” hand gesture, and told me “it wasn’t anything” as she walked out the door.

This small thing has made a quietly simmering thought start to steam.

Often one of my voice students will have a breakthrough.  Their dedication will pay off and they will achieve a significant level of freedom with their voice.   Or they’ll master a skill.  Or they’ll just find that next step.  Sometimes these milestones unfold slowly over a number of weeks.  But sometimes they happen in a few minutes.  When that happens it’s very exciting to me, Meredith T. Voice Teacher. 

So here I am in the lesson.  Student has just achieved Milestone.  Teacher is jumping up and down about how great this event is.  Student smiles.  Student acknowledges being aware of the change.  But Student does not join Teacher in enthusiastic tail-wagging.  In fact, Student often tries to give all credit to Teacher.

Just as my niece did, this student has worked for and invested in this accomplishment, and then when the threshold that signifies that accomplishment is crossed, the student won’t claim this thing she’s earned.

Reflected in their experience, I see that I do the same thing, and have done my entire life.

I don’t know when or why I learned not to measure or claim my accomplishments.  I don’t know why it’s such a pervasive thing.  As a teacher I’ve long been aware of it in my students, and I’ve been troubled over my students’ frequent inability to claim their successes.  But in order to get a handle on the damage caused by this hole in the psyche I had to own it in myself.

I’ve lived my life with the guiding assumption that at some point I would Arrive at a measurable point and Be A Success.  Because this has been an assumption, it has controlled me without lending itself to being questioned or examined.  It has kept me in a place of discounting all the little milestones that have made up my life.  

I imagine that there are people who don’t have this problem, people who can experience their achievements as measures of success in the broad scope of their life.  But I know there are an awful lot of people like my students and my niece and me who need to give up the idea that the daily successes don’t count.   We need to count the fact that we finished the program, our singing has improved, we handled an issue at work diplomatically, our garden is healthy, we’ve stayed committed to someone who’s ill, we finished making the quilt or painting the room, the interview went well, we’ve mastered pronouncing the “th” sound, or we met a self-imposed goal.  

We also need to join the celebration of those successes that are right out there in plain sight for everyone to see.  The promotion, getting a part in the show, the diploma, the ribbon cutting, the new condo, or the Jr. Lifeguard Certificate.  We need to stop saying, “aw, shucks,” and instead say, “thank you”.  We need to receive the gift of recognition.  Then we need to give that gift to ourselves.

The bottom line is that these successes are the stuff of life.  To discount them is to discount your own journey.  Counting them is feeling your own life and your own power.  Experiencing them is learning humility and joy.  My love for others has brought this hidden and controlling assumption into the light to be questioned.  And if I believe it for those I care for, I must live it for myself.  It may take me a while to get the hang of it, but it’ll have a fun payoff.  When I have a success it will count twice – once for the accomplishment itself and again for having noticed it!

I've told people for years:

If you really want to learn something, teach it.  Once you've heard yourself tell others what you believe over and over, you begin to believe that it can apply to you, too.

Believing in others is easy.  Talking the talk is easy.  Applying that belief to one's own life and walking the walk is quite another thing.

Since I've been teaching for so very, very long, I've had to apply a number of the principles I believe in to my own life, despite the fact that those principles are generous, loving, and hold me responsible for my thoughts and actions.  It's not so bad, I've found, once you  get the hang of it.

Now I'm hearing a small and distant voice telling me about the potential in myself that I've encouraged others to see in themselves.  

A few nights ago I woke up at 3:00 a.m.  Couldn't go back to sleep.  My mind was racing.  I had been fed an idea from Tim Ferris's book "The 4-Hour Work Week" that day - the idea that my (me, my, mine) expertise in voice could reach out across cyberspace and help lots and lots of people. 

Now, let's be honest.  Tim was not the first person to suggest this.  A short list of people who have suggested this over the years would include my mother, my father, my husband, numerous friends, other books, Perry Marshall (perrymarshall.com), Joan Stewart (publicityhound.com), and my 8-year-old daughter.  Recently I asked my students for testimonials I could post on my web site.  The responses I got were words of trust in me and respect for my knowledge and they made me cry.  That probably contributed to this decision as well.  Don't know.  But Tim's book was the tipping point for me.  At least in my mind.  Whether or not my actions can follow remains to be seen.

That night, that 3:00 in the morning night, I woke up and went to my computer.  I wrote up an ignorant but hopeful business plan outline.  The idea is to create videos that can help anyone improve their singing.  Against my nature, I'm going to aim for improvement rather than ultimate goal. Regarding singing, a little freedom can go a long way to improve someone's enjoyment of their singing.  I believe I can make a fool-proof system that will give anyone who participates in it more freedom and strength in their singing.

This will be a big job.  It will take money I don't have, and probably more time than it should.  But mostly, it will require me to believe in myself as I believe in my students.  It will insist that I allow for the unfolding process as I constantly encourage my students to do.  It will give me an yet another opportunity to find the joy in the journey.